Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Found your dick twin last night
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
