I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
