You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I didn't notice because vodka
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
