# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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