I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He kissed a someone with a penis
He told me they were just razor bumps!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
