Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
