so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
