How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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