Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
