I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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