apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
