I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
