Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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