sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
