Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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