FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
