so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I pour the whiskey from now on
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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