It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
