he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
