Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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