Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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