dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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