i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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