I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
