Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
