She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
