What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
