Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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