Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
