I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
