He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
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And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
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I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize