I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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