I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
