Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
