i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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