this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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