I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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