My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's shark week go big or go home
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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