community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
