i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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