OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
the liver wants what the liver wants
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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