my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Randomize
