when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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