So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
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Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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