my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
