She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
