My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
