Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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