Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we made out on top of his cat.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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