i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she smelled like a LAN party
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
