I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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