I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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