I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
