Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
