I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
