Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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