Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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