biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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