Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
