No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just high enough for therapy.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
