Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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