I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
