Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
